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Miscarriages are real. May 13, 2018

Posted by Dixie in Uncategorized.
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As an author I sometimes feel it is important to share poetry or thoughts. Today I am sharing a story of pain and loss. Not for pity or to make you sad but so that others know they are not alone.

Please note this content is real and is a part of my life. And is in no way intended to make anyone feel bad. I just want others to know they are not alone.

When we first started thinking of starting a family I had read many books. I always knew there was a risk of miscarriage, every book i read had some basic information. I read many statistics about the chances but i never thought that i would become one of those statistics.

The Beginning.

Why don’t I start from the beginning.

In April 2011 I met the love of my life. I immediately knew there was something different about this man. I am the kind of person who doesn’t trust easily. I have had issues in the past but this felt different. We met online and usually I would use a dummy email and never gave out my number. I gave him my real email and number right away. Within days of meeting i had met his parents and by October we were engaged.

We married in August of 2013. We started out like any other newly weds happy as can be. We were not so lucky. In November of 2013 he started to have some health issues and by April we were advised he would have to undergo major surgery to correct a problem from a previous stroke he had when he was 23. Over the next 2 years we spent time in and out of the hospital, By the end of 2015 he had undergone 4 different surgerys and in sept 2016 he had one final surgery for his vision.things were finally looking up. Due to him being sick for so long we decide that we wanted to wait at least a year before we considered growing our family.

Now our journey begins

In January 2017 we finally decided that we were ready to consider trying to start our family. I booked a physical with the doctor; When i was a kid I had some issues with Anemia so I wanted to make sure that this was not going to be an issue in the future. My doctor thought it was silly to want to do tests ahead of time when i was not even pregnant yet but agreed to put me through some tests including an ultrasound just so that in future we had something to compare it to.

After my ultrasound we soon found out i had a large cyst on my right ovary. I had a few more tests over the next few months and and by April they confirmed it was 9x16cm cyst that would have to be removed along with the ovary and tube attached.

Getting the news I was going to lose my ovary was a huge struggle. All i could think of was that i was going to lose ½ of my reproductive organs. Now I know that is not technically true it was how i felt about the situation. I became depressed and once I found out the surgery would be booked in July i decided i was going to try and live life to the fullest. Knowing i would be out of commission in the summer meant that i need to do as many things that we would enjoy.

I spent the next few months enjoying everything the city has to offer. We took a few road trips went to new restaurants and spent as much time with friends and family as we coud.

This time i had before surgery and even after really let me learn about myself and let me find who my true friends were It was absolutely terrifying

In July I finally had surgery to have the cyst removed. We learned that it was a dermoid cyst and it was not a risk of spreading or having complications in the future. They also checked my left tube just to make sure there was no blockage to be concerned about and found everything is clear. I was in and out of the hospital within a few hours.

One thing I learned through this whole situation was who my true friends were. I became closer with some and lost others either through the stress that they didn’t know how to handle or the depression i was going through on my own.

Starting again

After 3 weeks of recovery things were looking up. I was almost done healing and the doctor said i should be good to go whenever we felt comfortable. About 6 weeks later we decided to try and get pregnant.

On Sept 11th i realized that I was “late” I spoke to a good friend and she recommended that I get one of those early pregnancy test and try in the morning. I decided I would not say anything to my husband until i knew for sure. I was very hopeful and prepared a cute note ‘just in case’ and had it tucked away to easily pull out if we were lucky.

On september 12th I woke up very early about 430 am and decided to take the test! I was thrilled my dream was finally coming true. It was the happiest moment of my life knowing that it was really going to happen. I grabbed my note for my husband placed it on his computer and waited for him to get up.

That morning is as clear to me now as it was that morning, seeing the look on his face. I remember making breakfast and just could not contain my happiness.

I went to the doctor the next day and confirmed by blood work that I was in fact pregnant. Over the next few weeks life continued as normal. The doctor sent me for additional blood work and had given me the paperwork to book the ultrasound for a future date anytime after 12 weeks. Things were great we told some of our friends we told our parents. Life had never been better.

When life changed

On September 26 things started to change. At first I thought it was just bloating or constipation, I took a light laxative and felt ok. The next day I was getting some cramping so went to my doctor but was told if it was just minor i should be ok. I was not getting any spotting or bleeding so he was not concerned. I went home got some rest and felt better when I woke up so went to work as normal. By the afternoon the pain was getting extensive to the point i was struggling to function if i moved even slightly it hurt. If i sat still it was ok but trying to do my job and not move was not happening. I talked to one of my close friends who knew and as i had already gone to the doctor she recommended i call health link. I did and was quite scared. The advised as the pain had lasted over 24 hrs to go to the doctor again. I called my husband and told him i needed to leave work and he needed to take me to the doctor. I got to the train on my own and happend to catch the train with one of my former bosses. I had every intention of going to the doctors office. I did have a feeling he would tell me to go home and come back it it got worse. My boss or rather former boss told me that i should consider going to the “mini hospital” as i call it. A medical clinic that is not as large as a hospital but would at least have an ultrasound so they could check and see that everything was ok. It was her advise that ultimately saved my life.

I went to the clinic and the pain was getting worse the moment I saw a doctor they did an ultrasound. I remember his face when he couldn’t see much, there was too much fluid for him to see. They gave me some painkillers which I hesitated on having them give me cause all I could think of was would it hurt my baby. The doctor gave me a look that broke my heart and told me we needed to focus on my health right now. I remember calling my parents to tell them the update they were pretty sure by this point that i was going to lose the baby. My dad seemed upset but told us to keep him posted and he would be thinking of us. I was crying all I could think of as I lie in on the hospital bed that this couldn’t be happening. I went to the washroom and fainted before I got there. He advised that due to the fluid they would need to operate to drain the fluid and see what was going on.He was going to have us drive to the Royal Alex but due to my recent fainting spell he decided it was safer for them to take me via ambulance just in case i fainted again.

My first ambulance ride. Interesting but not my worst experience. After arriving in the Royal alex I remember them telling me that they wanted another ultrasound and would decide on surgery but it would likely be a few hours. Once the ultrasound was done it didn’t take long for them to come see me again I had not even left the emergency ward when they told me they would be operating soon. We let both of our parents know. It was about 2am I remember my husband talking to his mom and hearing she was coming down from Innisfail to be with us so we wouldn’t be alone. I have never been so grateful to have her in my life than I was in that moment. She dropped everything drove 2 hours alone in the middle of the night just to be at our side during this terrible time. You can’t fake love like that.

Most of that night was a blur. I remember seeing the surgeon just before the surgery. The assistant happened to be the same one from my original july surgery. They told me that due to the amount of fluid which they had now determined it was blood that had now spread into my abdomen. They were not sure what they would find but prepared me for the worst case scenario which could mean me losing my left tube and possibly the ovary. I was terrified knowing that if I had any chance of making it through this i had to have the surgery but the thought of losing my only ovary was terrifying. I of course agreed to the surgery it truly felt like it was me or the baby and i had to pick that either i would survive or neither of us would as at this point they told me the chance of keeping the baby was slim to none.

I woke up a few hours later in the hospital room. Although the next 24 hrs I don’t remember I do remember seeing my OBG who also works out of the hospital who was abe to bring me the Bittersweet news.

I had a cornual pregnancy- which was considered a type of ectopic. They told me that the baby had attached itself in the small space where they had removed my right tube and ovary. Because I had recently had surgery the area was not strong enough to take the stress of implantation and it had ruptured causing me to bleed into my abdomen. The doctor advised that this was a one in a million chances and that the likelihood that it would happen again are slim. He advised that he would want me to wait longer to try again as obviously i was able to conceive quickly after only trying for one month after the original surgery.

I don’t remember much about the next day. I remember being really tired and I remember my husband coming to see me but all i wanted to do was sleep. I woke up only when I had to take my medication or they had to take blood. I remember them telling me my hemoglobin levels were low and they were concerned. On saturday evening i was alert enough to talk and I wanted to go home but they told me that it wasn’t going to happen. I found out due to the rapture i had lost 2 litres of blood and my body was not regenerating it fast enough. They decided the best option was to give me a blood transfusion and see how my body reacts. That night i was in tears all i wanted was to go home I had been in the hospital for 3 full days now I was ready to go home.

Luckily for me the next day I was allowed to go home. The next week I spent most of my days sleeping. I was exhausted. This surgery had taken a lot more out of me than the one before.

Due to unfortunate timing my husband had to go away for work just after thanksgiving. His mom was so amazingly helpful and allowed me to stay with her while he was away. It took a lot longer for me to feel better. And we were both grateful that she was able to be there. I didn’t need much but as my mobility was very limited it was best that i was not left alone just in case there were any complications. A week in innisfail and rob was on his way home.

The thing that no one can prepare you for is the emptiness you feel. I never thought that after only being pregnant for about 6 weeks that I would have felt as much as I did. I was proud to be a mother, The protectiveness you immediately feel does not immediately go away when you lose your baby.

I was very grateful to have a friend who had previously had a miscarriage. As sad is it to know she had gone through this pain but i was beyond grateful for her kindness. I am lucky to live in a city that acknowledges any pregnancy / infant loss and they have a program set up to try to help new mothers who have gone through a loss.

Why write this?

I sit here writing this. You might wonder why? Why would i want to share such a painful experience. That part is simple. We all know there is a stigma around mental health that many are trying to get rid of. I never realized how much stigma there was around miscarriage. I honestly thought people were not talking about it because it never happened. I never realized how wrong i was.

After having my loss I started reading everything I could on miscarriages and talked to many others going through loss. Some books were better than others but i always felt something was missing.

Books talk about why you had a miscarriage they share stories and many end up with happy endings. Now I am sure there is going to be a time where happy endings make me feel good but not anytime soon.

The truth is it’s been months since this horrible event and most days I can talk and answer questions but then some days the smallest things trigger the sadness. For anyone reading this I want you to know that it’s OKAY not to be okay! Take as much time as you need. I found that many family and friends don’t understand and that’s ok. The truth is they don’t need to understand why it still hurts. They may have been there with you through the pain and throughout the recovery process but no one but you lived it! Each person heals in their own ways. For me I took 3 weeks not dealing with it at all let myself physically heal before I was ready to consider dealing with the emotional side. The one thing I found those around me forgot was that they were able to deal with their emotions so much faster. I can only speculate that of course but it makes sense. They could process it all during those days I could barely move due to my physical recovery.

I remember so many times hearing “ everything happens for a reason” and honestly this is completely BULSHIT! Oh I am sure there is some higher being that does have a plan but while grieving I didn’t want to hear this. What reason could there have been in this big universe that I should almost die and lose something so precious? I have to tell you I still don’t know the answer and probably never will.

Here I am now ready to start this path over again. I am ready to start trying again. Never feel you have to be ready. Never let anyone make you feel like your feelings are not valid. Whether you had an early loss or a late one take as much time as YOU need for you! And NEVER FORGET…

YOU ARE NOT ALONE ❤️

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Time to get serious May 7, 2018

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As an author sometimes I feel that we as authors need to open up about causes dear to us.

This week I am going to do that. Share a story about my own life so if you follow me I hope you take the time and read it. And please feel free to share this experience but be kind to those you know and always remember be kind to yourself

Lammy June 23, 2016

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Found this guy today. Could be fun 

Not impressed  April 26, 2016

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The Baxter House hippo loves to carry a minion around. The minion is NOT impressed.

Starbucks  April 25, 2016

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Even the Baxter House Hippo wants Starbucks today 

House hippo April 24, 2016

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The Baxter House Hippo starts her adventures today. Been lacking inspiration latley but watch for some fun 

Strange feeling (poem) – written today January 14, 2016

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As the day grows close 

and life looks dim 

fear moved on 

the luck feels slim 

When natures end 

the world around 

mistakes are made 

we fall to the ground 

empty words 

run through my head 

the fear that rules me 

make feelings red 

the day grows close 

and the tables change 

it might just happen 

but this feeling is strange

Scotia tree January 13, 2016

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A long road home January 13, 2016

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A walk in the park  January 13, 2016

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